Tim Yeo the two-headed policy monster

Tim Yeo, newly appointed shadow education minister, newly appointed shadow health minister *and* lifetime member of the Wild Haggis Preservation Society, proved he could hold it all together when he proposed that the the intensive care bed crisis and the controversy over university fees could be settled quickly and easily by simply allowing prospective students to 'earn their way' by volunteering at the local hospital.

This network of student volunteers, co-ordinated via a simple Hotmail address, would be entrusted with the task of coaxing coma-victims and other such layabouts out of much-needed beds through general displays of youthful exuberance and university-taught skills such as juggling, acrobatics and contemporary dance.

Tim Yeo and the Tory shuffle

The East Anglian Times has managed to scoop even the BBC by announcing before anyone else on the Interwebnet that Tim Yeo is to take charge of both the education and health portfolios in the shadow cabinet.

A formal announcement is expected later this afternoon (but how the East Anglian Times got a hold of this information so early remains to be seen).

Leadership? Pah!

Who needs some poxy front-of-store job when you're in charge of people's very lives? And the future of their lives in the shape of young people - with their malleable minds and their soft, juicy eyeballs!

And - it just has to be said - Tim Yeo has scored not just one of the top jobs, but two!

We do keep telling you; the man is a fucking legend.

Tim Yeo - Tory party chairman

There are whispers that Tim Yeo is in line for Tory party chairman... but we don't care.

This is a man who deserved to be - nay, was destined to be - leader! Not only of the Tory party, but - one day - of this great nation! And then possibly... the world!!!! And he's happy to settle for party chairman?

Tim Yeo, your limited vision has destroyed our future.

Our dreams of a Modernised Conservative Britain (where, presumably, single lesbian mothers are shipped off to the colonies via intercontinental moving walkways) lay in tatters. Tatters!

How will we ever be able to forgive you?

Tim Yeo - the clock is ticking

Tim Yeo, the world's greatest living statesman, has less than 30 minutes in which to throw his hat into the ring to fight the good fight for the Tory leadership and cast Michael "I'm on the web, me" Howard into the political wilderness.

Tim, your party needs you. Your country needs you. Have you forsaken us?

(What am I saying? Where is my faith? Any minute now, Tim Yeo - currently on the 'dead or missing' list - is sure to come charging in at the last minute to save the day just like that Bruce Willis fella in Die Hard. Wearing a torn vest. All covered in muck, mud and the blood of lesser rivals. Excuse me... I think I'd better go and sit down for a bit.)